Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
