So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
