So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
