Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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