I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
