Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
