Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
