You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
