I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
