I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
