I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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