I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize