We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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