Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize