I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize