i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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