Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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