we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
