I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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