i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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