Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
