I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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