I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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