When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
