Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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