She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
