I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
