3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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