I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
