I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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