The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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