found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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