3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
