We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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