Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
