as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
