I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
