meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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