I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
