You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
