Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
