have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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