I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
