I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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