She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
