Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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