I feel great
I just peed on a car
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
