woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
