I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
