take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
