i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There are leaves in my underwear?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
