I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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