alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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