You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
