I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
